THE RED THREAD OF FATE (Part II)

“Hi Jesh!” A beaming bloke beckoned in front of me.

I was on my way to my usual stay-back spot in the hall to do my homework, but this Edro guy… I thought I had it last Friday. “Didn’t I tell you clearly to stay away from me?”

“Yeah, but we’re in the same class, though, so I can’t help but keep bumping into you…” He cheekily chuckled to himself. What in the world…

As I was wincingly looking at him, I noticed he was wearing that white shirt I stitched for him last week. “Wait, um…” My eyes stopped at his hands, which were all covered with plasters. “I know you fight a lot with the fellas next door, and your hand… did you injure yourself in a fight or something?”

“Oh, this?” He showed me his hands. “Yeah… it’s very recent. They’re starting to get uncontrollable nowadays. And to think that I’m by my lonesome, fighting against a pack of dudes… but it’s really fine! These wounds are nothing to me. They don’t stand a chance against me,” he grinned.

“You battled them yourself? That’s awful!” I grabbed his hands, and took a better look of them. “What’s the point in fighting them, anyways, if you know you’ll hurt yourself at the end of it?”

“It’s a long story.” he said in a pensive tone. Oh… I think I just stepped into an uncharted territory.

“Ah, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked more. I’m always like this… I just can’t help but concern about your wellbeing, that’s all. It’s painful for me to look at you with injuries all over your body. If it’s something personal, you don’t have to tell me.”

For some reason, his face flushed. “No, it’s fine, but thanks… this is the first time I’m hearing someone so concerned about me.”

“Wait—” No, why did I say that? “I meant, like, I worry about people in general, that’s all! Don’t get the wrong idea!”

He laughed. “It’s fine. I’ll take better care of myself in the future. For you, that is.” He tousled his hair, as if he was embarrassed or something. Something about that makes him look a bit cute. If only he wasn’t a thug, maybe I would really fall for his—cuteness?

Wait, did I just say he looks ‘cute’? Impossible. What was I saying, anyways… concerned about his well-being? This red thread is beginning to make me feel things that I shouldn’t for him. He’s not cute, Jesh. Malcolm is cute. Malcolm is cute. Malcolm is cute. Malcolm is—

“By the way, Jesh…” he continued. “Tomorrow Saturday is my birthday, and I’m throwing a party for the whole class to come, and some other people that I know. So I’ve been meaning to invite you to the party.”

“Birthday party?” I said, shocked. “But why, though? Am I even that close to you? Besides, I thought I made it clear to you last week—“

“Yes, I know, but I still just want you to come.” His eyes were somewhat hopeful. “Please.”

“…I have to decline your offer, I’m sorry. It doesn’t have anything to do with, you know, you being a gangster and all… but I’m really bound with homework, so I can’t waste my time having fun.”

“Ah, so you’re the diligent type…” He seemed down. “It’s okay, though.  It’s just that, I really thought it would be nice to have you around… but if it is college work, I can understand.”

He left me. He then entered a crowd of students and talked for a bit. The crowd suddenly went noisy, and more people approached him. He’s inviting the whole class, is he?

Somehow, I felt a tinge of guilt and regret. Not that I lied—I really do have work. It just doesn’t feel right to have fun when you know you have work to do. Ever since young, I’ve been pushing myself to concentrate on studies and not be distracted by fun…

Ah, to hell with that, I said to myself, as I put on my earphones blazing lo-fi hip hop from YouTube Live into my ear. Just for a moment, I could really feel the vibe, as my typing becomes faster…and before I knew it, Moretta came standing in front of me. She was smiling. “I was invited!”

“Really? You’re coming?”

“Yes!” Moretta exclaimed. “I was surprised I got invited too, even though we only met for just like 3 minutes last week.”

She stopped at the sight of me, shaking my head in disbelief.

“He might be a rebel, but he has been looking quite friendly and tame this past week, unlike how we regularly see him… I wonder what happened. By the way, are you going, though?”

I was too focused typing my assignment. “I don’t know. Not now, please.”

She sighed. “Is it because of what I said? I know I said some bad things about him last week when you two met for the first time, but that’s just because I remembered Rose’s story when we drank the other time. And I even didn’t feel good after badmouthing him like that. Now, he actually looks all right, don’t you think? He’s actually not that bad when you get to know him, so just come to the party!”

I replied with a silence. I kept typing.

She let out a sigh. Her tone changed. “It’s not really about him, right? It’s just you.” She took the hall seat next to me. “Hey, you should enjoy these kinds of things in a while, you know. You’re making yourself busy for no reason, at all. Also, your reason for being late for dance club is getting more and more predictable and ridiculous: it’s either you’re busy finishing work, or… you’re busy finishing work. And even after what we said about the importance of being punctual—see, you’re not even listening,” she groaned.

I saved my progress quickly and closed my YouTube Window. I rolled my earphone, and sat back. “There’s no end to this work, Moretta. How am I supposed to live in the moment if I keep being side-tracked by the thought of an incomplete work and a looming deadline?”

“Yes, but don’t you feel the need to take a break?” She closed my laptop down. “Jesh, look. I’m not against you, but you’re really forcing yourself too much with all those college works. Tell me, how often do you go out nowadays?”

“That’s none of your business!” But, to be honest, it’s true that I don’t actually go out often during weekends.

Moretta let out a breath. She’s really beginning to sound like my mom. “I’ve known you ever since we’re in junior high. You’re the hardworking type, Jesh, I know it. I can’t stress this enough, but even the brightest student in the college needs to treat themselves, and keep them going.”

I sighed. She’s hitting me with all the valid points to consider. Sheesh, this one…I can never really win against her in an argument, can I? “Alright, fine. I’ll go. But only if all the girls come, ‘cos I don’t want to be awkward with him. You know what happened last Friday.”

Moretta sniggered. “Funny that you have to say that. Just so you know, when I was invited just now, all of us were invited too.”

I laughed, but also was rather surprised. “What do you mean by that? I know he’s only inviting classmates that he’s close with. Don’t tell me you bought him off.”

“Jesh, you might not believe this, but after stalking his social media a lot, I discovered something: he’s filthy rich! Who among us girls don’t want to be in his party?” She clapped her hands at almost every word she said (she always does that if she’s stressing a point). “Anyways, he seemed like he was bending over backwards to have you in the party, so being the person that I am, I agreed to help him drag you into his party under one condition that also benefits the girls. Although in the end he somehow made us help him prepare for the party too, so that’s a bummer.” She pointed her index at me. “So with that, and since all the girls will come, so will you.”

“Okay, okay. I said I’m coming, right?” I said nonchalantly. “But I didn’t get any particulars from him, though. Do you have his address, the time of party, et cetera?”

She flicked out her phone. “He gave me his address via text, so I’ll forward that to you. The time is tomorrow Saturday, 1pm—”

“1PM FOR A PARTY? DOES HE HAVE LIKE A SLEEP-EARLY REGIME OR SOMETHING? IS HE AN OLD PERSON?”

“Don’t complain to me, girl. He’s the host. Oh, and before I forget, he also said he needs someone to buy beers for the party too, since he’s probably going to be busy preparing the place.”

“…My place is near a convenience. I’ll handle that.”

“Then it’s settled.” Moretta smiled a bit. “See, it’s so easy to take a step back. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

I smiled too, but deep down, I feel uneasy. Not only that now I don’t get to finish my homework, I also need to do Edro a favour again. Jeez, from sewing his shirt, now this. The red thread effect is really getting out of hand.

He’s ‘rich’, you said, huh? That’s something… I’ve never thought rich people can be a troublemaker.

***

For a lowly bastard like him, he sure has some strong guts. Inviting me to come to his birthday party, even though we met weirdly and very briefly. And didn’t I say I don’t want to have anything to do with him whatsoever? Then, isn’t he being unreasonably persistent? Even all my past boyfriends know their restrictions. Sigh. This is wrong on so many levels.

This must be his house, right? I stopped at where the address directed me. It turns out to be a huge two-story house, complete with a lush backyard, and a waterfall at the porch. If he’s actually crazy rich like Moretta said, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is his house…but there are no vehicles around, and it’s pretty serene, although I come exactly at 1pm when the party’s supposed to begin. Furthermore, these beers are weighing down on me. Am I stupid, or what?

I rang the gate bell. I shouldn’t be mistaken. “Hi, is anybody home? I’m Jesh, looking for Edro.”

The voice receiver sent out signals. A drowsy and flustered voice responded to me. What a relief, someone is home.

[“Jesh…wait, what?”]

“Oh, thank god. Hi, Edro. Can you open the gates for me? Moretta told me to bring the beer for the party, and uh… yeah, here’s your beer. I’d appreciate it if you can open the gate and let me in, ‘cos these beers are kind of hefty to carry around.”

[“Yeah, sure, but…”]

He sounded apprehensive. “I know, I declined your invitation, but shouldn’t you at least receive a note from Moretta or something? I’m fine with it, so long as you don’t say anything creepy like last time.”

[“No, I know all that…”]

“Oh my god, what’s bugging you, then? My arms are giving away. Please, Edro. I don’t mind waiting inside until everybody comes. Or is it that the house is still untidy? I don’t mind doing some chores for you also, so just please open the goddamn gate I beg you…”

[“…Now’s too early. The party starts at 5pm.”]

5pm...what?

“HUH WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”

[“That’s what I said to everybody: the party starts at 5pm. I just finished taking a shower and was about to begin the preparation. I mean, I did tell Moretta to have you come earlier than 5pm, but I wasn’t expecting you to come this early…”]

“SHE SAID THE PARTY STARTS AT 1PM! AND I DIDN’T HAVE ANY INTENTION TO COME EARLY EITHER!”

[“…she said what?”]

Ooh, I see… this must be one of Moretta’s stupid gags.

“This is so awkward. Anyways, since I came too early, I might as well come back to my place and not disturb you…”

[“No, I’m alright, I can let you in just fine! Anyways, my parents are abroad, so nobody’s home but me. And you must’ve come from far away—“]

“That’s even worse! No worries, I can walk any distances just fine. I’ll be leaving the beers here by the gate, so don’t forget to take them from here, alright?  Bye—“

Then thunderstorms drummed. The skies went totally dark, and within seconds, the pavements were wet.

Luckily, the canopy of his house’s entrance kept me dry from the downpour, but now I can’t go anywhere. Are you serious? Gods, are you playing with me?

[“Uh… Jesh, you’re still there? It's raining pretty heavily outside.”]

I pressed the voice button to answer him. “…can you let me in? It’s cold here.”

***

“Cover yourself with this. Sometimes, it could get chilly here when raining, and you’re dressed quite openly, too,” he said as he hands me a furry blanket. “Make yourself comfortable on this sofa. I’ll be back in a bit with something else to warm you up.”

“Ah, thank you so much. Also, I’m sorry to have bothered you for arriving this early…”

“It’s nothing. I guess it’s just a miscommunication.” Not bad. I thought he’s a full-fledged racketeer, but seems like he can be courteous too.

Or is he being like this because it’s me…?

No, no way. I already emphasised that we can’t be together, so by now he shouldn’t have any more feelings for me… but I wonder if he still has it inside him. I looked down at my little finger. The thread is moving in every direction Edro is moving. I can’t believe this is the reality, me and Edro tied by fate from the outset, despite me having always imagined Malcolm as the one...

But Edro doesn’t give so bad an impression as a man, either. He’s opening up politely to other people ever since yesterday, and as I make my observations around, I see that he hails from a fairly wealthy family… kind of reminds me with my time going out with Lenon. I looked at his huge family picture of four adorned with furnished wooden frame, and golden silverwares on the guest room’s ceramic coffee tables. The kitchen looks sleek with a kitchen bar countertop, and the carpeted living room is slightly dropped from the house’s ground level, with a large LED screen over a fireplace. Not to mention the full-height windows and glass doors that spans across the living room, lending view to the flourishing and vibrant courtyard (and he has his own barbecue grill for outdoors party). He really is filthy rich like Moretta said.

Still though, I don’t know why Moretta would do this to me.

“Here, some warm refreshments. Do you want to have something to drink with it? You must be thirsty coming all the way here by foot.”

“Ah, sure.”

“Okay, I’ll get some beer for the two of us.”

What…he’s strangely tame. Has he always been like this all this time? But, to think again, I actually haven’t known him entirely, have I? Even though we’re classmates… To be honest, have I really gotten along close enough with my classmates? All this time, I was too absorbed with studies, and what do I even know about them? The fact that I’m thinking about all these questions really proves that I’ve been too full of myself lately, doesn’t it? Damn, how deep have I drowned in my own business? I’m really missing out on life.

“Beers coming. Please, help yourself with those fritters.”

“Hey, thanks a bunch for all these.” I said as I take one of the vegetable fritters.

“Do you want to watch anything? I subscribed to this movie website, I can search for something interesting to watch—”

“Holy shit, did you cook this just now?”

“Not really, I just re-fried it. Why, is it not good?”

“It’s SO GOOD! I never knew fritters can taste this wonderful!”

He laughed a little, “I’m glad you liked it. Hey, don’t forget your beer, also…”

This warm atmosphere we’re having around us…somehow, I feel comfortable being next to him. Maybe because now I’ve become more opened to him, huh. Even though I said spiteful things to him on that day: that we’re not meant to be together, that I’m seeing another person, and then I just left him behind like that in the infirmary. … I wonder how he feels about it afterwards.

I looked at him, sitting awkwardly next to me. He rested his arms on his legs, twiddling his thumbs. He’s cute when he’s embarrassed, isn’t he?

Ah, before I knew it, I thought of him as ‘cute’ again…

Oh gosh, this is so awkward. It’s still hours away until 5pm, and no one’s opening a conversation. How long are we going to give each other silent treatment like this? He’s not even trying to open his mouth. Hmm, it must be my fault for telling him not to think too much of me...

Alright, I need a liquid of courage. Where’s the beer…

“Ah, this movie is rated. If you’re not comfortable watching this, let’s change the movie instead. Do you want to watch something else?”

“Hey…” I gulped the whole can of beer in one go. Immediately, I feel a little woozy. “What are you feeling right now? You haven’t said a single word, you know… you must have been thinking things, right?”

His face reddens. “Uh… Jesh?”

From this moment onwards, I think I’ve lost control of all my talking. “You sly fox, making me drink beer and watch this kind of movie with just the two of us here...” There’s literally no more consideration left in me, of how my words will make him feel.

“What are you telling me all of a sudden...?” There’s a hint of tremor in his speech.

“You want to do the things in those scenes to me, don’t you? You said you’ve been having weird emotions towards me lately, right? Well, why don’t we get true to ourselves and come out to each other right here right now, hmm?”

I pounced, and suddenly I was on top of him. “Jesh, get off of me, you’re heavy…”

I chuckled. “Just like I told you, right? This hips don’t lie.”

“I’m being serious…”

I grabbed him by his shirt, and made him look at me directly into my eyes. He looked terrified and apprehensive, as if being assaulted. “You’re a brute, right? You must be familiar with this kind of position...”

The aperitif is taking over me. I’ve lost any restraints of all my thoughts and actions. Only the girls know how appalling I can turn out to be when I’m drunk. I haven’t been in this state in front of any of my past boyfriends, and I’ve also never been this close-up to a man before.

This is very bad.

I looked at his lips that were agape. They were trembling, and yet it looks so adorable. It’s as if it begs to be kissed. I haven’t been kissed either. Maybe he doesn’t mind…

“Jesh, stop it!” he jerked me away, and I fell onto the couch.

“Ow, that hurts…!”

“I don’t know what’s in your mind right now, but I’m pretty sure this is the booze talking, not you.” He cast me a serious countenance.

“I’m sorry, I was just joking… I carried it too far, but don’t take it seriously—”

“Just so you know, I never thought of anything like that about you… I want to cherish you, okay? It’s useless if I kiss you when you’re drunk, knowing that you’ll definitely regret it for the rest of your life when you come to your senses. And I don’t want to lay my hands on you when you’re like this, if it looks like I’m forcing my way to you…” He sighed, and walked away from me. “If you need rest, there’s a guest room behind the kitchen area. You can sleep there until 5pm when you’re sober. I’ll be busy moving over furniture, so I’d rather you sleep there too, so it won’t be bothersome for you.” He turned off the television.

“…this is unfair.”

He grumbled. “What, now?”

“I thought you’re much emotionally stronger than this, being a dude in a hood and whatnot… turns out you’re just a little kitty inside.”

“Well, what would you know? You haven’t even tried to talk properly to me even once.” He raised his voice.

I’m getting upset. “Whose fault do you think is that?!”

“You tell me, who asked me not to think about you anymore?”

“Hngg…” I tried to hold my voice from coming out. I think I’m at the verge of tears, and I just screamed against my own will, “Stop being such a jerk you are!”

I took my belongings and made heavy steps towards the guest room. I banged the door close as I got inside.

I sat against the door. Suddenly, tears flow out from my eyes, as I sobered up and recalled everything I said to him before. I buried my face in my hands.

What was all those words, even? No one ever said those things to me…

“It’s useless if I kiss you when you’re drunk.”

“You’ll definitely regret it for the rest of your life when you come to your senses.”

“I want to cherish you, okay?”

Maybe I shouldn’t have downed the beer in one go. Ugh… and my head is stinging like crazy. He’s right, I must sleep to sober up before the party begins. Today has been so odd.

***

Just now I woke up to a clamour of a lively mob, and straightaway hurried to the guest’s restroom to tidy myself up. Sounds like the party has started long ago.

I went out from the kitchen area to find familiar faces having fun with each other. My classmates are all here, strewn around in the living room and the outdoor area. Lenon and Malcolm is also here, they’re talking to each other…this feels weird. As I went further into the party, Adlynn and Steffy welcomed me. Rose is already drunk, lying her head down on the kitchen bar while holding a glass of beer. Someone’s missing…

Oh yeah, where is Moretta?

“Ah, there you are, Jesh. I’ve been looking for you! Ahahaha…” Moretta laughed nervously.

I looked at her with piercing eyes. “Moretta, you have some serious explaining to do.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Come, I’ve been expecting you outside with Edro.” She said to me as I was being ushered to the courtyard. “I’ll make an apology to you both.”

As I sauntered towards Moretta’s lead, I looked at my phone. It’s 7pm. It’s already 2 hours in the party, and I noticed that the place is cosily dimmed and some furniture were already moved away to make area for the commotion.

Oh, yeah, I was supposed to help him out for that too.

But I slept through the preparation instead. I feel sorry for Edro because of what happened.

“Oh, Jesh, you’re awake.” Edro said to me as he was sitting on his chair, holding his drink. I’ve never seen him dressed down for a party… he looks astonishing.

“Hi Edro.” I couldn’t muster enough courage to look up to him. I’m still remembering those moments.

“Now that you guys are here…” Moretta continued repentantly, “I’m sorry for causing quite an uproar today. If anything bad happened just now, it’s my doing, alright. I don’t mean to disturb any of you.”

Edro spoke, “Ah, nothing serious happened. It’s alright.” My heart beats fast. All the things that happened when it rains… so he’s hiding it from Moretta. “But what did you tell Jesh about the party? She said you told her that it starts at 1pm.”

“Ah, yes that one. I was typing all the details very rapidly onto my phone, so I probably mistyped that…” she smiled anxiously.

“Aren’t the buttons for 1 and 5 so far apart—”

“Anyways, looks like you guys didn’t have any serious problem, so that’s a relief—”

“MORETTA, YOU TAKE THAT BACK! THAT’S BULLCRAP!”

Moretta jumped. “Ah, there’s no use lying, is there… and I thought I can get away clean.” She took one of the stools and sat around us.

“You see, Edro, I’ve noticed that all this time Jesh has been going out less and it’s kind of affecting her social life. Knowing that Jesh is also a bit too into her work, I think she should for once consider looking outwards instead of inwards, and, you know, give up more time to talk with other people, and not just the girls. So, as time goes by, I also kind of took a share of concern for that.

Also, if you haven’t known yet, Jesh just got heartbroken. You seem like someone who can open the window again for Jesh. And I see that you really have genuine feelings for her. So it should be a less bitter pill for her to swallow. If this was successful, she would be back on track to finding her new boyfriend. Unless, of course, you don’t like her…”

Edro shied away, twiddling his thumbs again. His face is red either because of the drink or what she just said.

“So, I guess, with that combined, I thought of pushing forward the timing a bit and see how you two sail, and get away with the lie, hoping to see Jesh enjoying her time outside and have her consider you as her second lover. And it looks like I was rather successful.” She smiled.

“So that’s what this is all about…” Edro sighed, resting back on his chair.

“But just now, she seems like she just woke up from sleep. Were you actually sleeping here when I came?”

Huh, what? How does she figure it out? Did I not tidy up properly? What gave it away? My eyebrows, my blush-on…?

“Oh, that… I told her to sleep until the party starts, ‘cos she looked tired after bringing over those beers.”

“I see…” Moretta was deep in a pensive state. She suddenly asked, “So you’re saying, you guys slept together? Amazing, even though you guys met for just a short while…”

“IT’S NOT LIKE THAT!” Edro and I shouted in sync.

Moretta laughed. This girl is getting unbearable. “But, that aside, don’t you guys notice that you two are getting less awkward now?”

Are we? I looked at Edro. He looks at me, and then his eyes wander somewhere else, his hand fixing his hair. I smiled. This is the first time I see a man looking like this because of his own genuine feelings. I guess the red thread wasn’t so wrong, after all.

As we got up and left for the party, Moretta suddenly said, “That reminds me…when I arrived, I noticed that on the living room table I saw two empty cans of beers…” She let out a loud gasp after collecting a thought. “Could it be that you guys got drunk before getting frisky—”

“I TOLD YOU, IT’S NOT LIKE THAT!” Edro and I shouted in sync again.

Moretta laughed harder than before and walked away into the crowd. I left my chair, and took some of the hors d'oeuvres. Then, I was approached by many classmates, surprised by my unlikely appearance in the party—I guess, any party in general. We then chatted for a while, catching up on each other, and many of them asked for my contacts and my social media accounts. If it weren’t for them asking, I might have forgotten that I actually have social media handles.

As we conversed, I took a glance of Edro who was talking with the boys. He looked at me, lightly lifted his shoulders, and smiled. I smiled back, holding my blush.

It’s been a long time since I felt this way around many people. Maybe I really should take a break from homework every once in a while.

I separated from the crowd and settled in a quiet spot by myself. Suddenly, I heard someone greeting me from behind. “Hi, Jesh.”

Lenon suddenly approached me.

“Hi Lenon… nice to meet you again,” I greeted him back awkwardly.

Why is he invited, anyways? And why does Lenon choose to talk to me now, of all times? I was really hoping I can get away from this party not talking to him…

“Um…how are you doing, right now?”

“I’m doing just okay. How are you with you new girl?”

“We’re getting along pretty well. We’ve been going out a lot recently, and she seems comfortable to talk with.”

“I see…” I looked down. I noticed his red thread is connected. Maybe she was the one, after all. “Hey, you should really cherish her, like I said the other time.”

We kept being silent. I really felt like I want to leave him and go talk with the girls.

“Hey, I’m really sorry for doing you dirty like that, in the amusement park. Even though I’m your first love. It’s just that, with her… how should I put it…?” He found himself at a loss of words.

I took a deep breath. “It’s okay, Lenon. I’m not hurt at all. You’re a rich guy, after all, so it’s only normal to have many girls flocking all around you. And besides, I’m nothing compared to most of those girls; I don’t really have anything to offer you, do I? And in that situation, I already know I lost before the competition even begins…” I said, although I actually knew that because our thread wasn’t connected.

“Hey, don’t say that… anyways, I should’ve known better—”

“Can we stop this now?” I said irritably.

“No... Jesh, you didn't even give me any chance on that day. Please, let me explain myself. I don't want you to leave with a misunderstanding,” he begged solemnly.

“For god’s sake… let me through it. You know I rarely go for parties because I’m restraining myself from having fun. And it’s been a long time since I’ve enjoyed myself like this. You’re going to spoil this time for me... I’d rather leave and talk with my girls there.”

“Jesh, please…” he looked despondent, his voice quivering.

Alright... I guess he did owe me an explanation. "Fine. Break it down.”

He looked up, and after a deep breath, he said:

“It’s my fault, okay? It's my mistake for staying so long with you from the start. I didn’t know I was your first time. On the other hand, you’re my umpteenth time... I was sure that I will break your heart someday, because I don't see love the way you see it anymore. But at the same time, I don’t want to make your first time the shortest and the most painful one, so instead I decided to go along with it.

Then, 2 years down the road, I met that girl… and I couldn’t help it; I just felt that she was really made for me. S o I chose to settle in with her."

He's right. They were meant to be together. Good for them. "I'm happy it turned out like that for you."

"...Anyways, I realised that I shouldn’t keep you in for too long, because I’d be only wasting your time, while you could have been experiencing relationships with other people. And I don’t want to deprive that experience from you… I don’t want you to think that your first love is the one made for you, while there are so many people out there that could have fit your mold more perfectly.

Call it what you want; cheating, philandering, two-timing, whatever. I deserve it. But please believe what I said about you being good in your own ways too; in ways that you haven’t realised yet. I’ve known you for so long, and I'm sure you have them. Someday, you will find someone who discovers the beauty in you—”

“You don't know how much you meant to me, and you saying this doesn't help me feel any better, you know. Anyways, what is that ‘beauty’ you were saying? I don’t have that ‘beauty’, okay? You don't even know that much about me, even I'm not sure what 'beauty' I have. What I'm sure, though, through my 2 years with you, is that I'll never be enough for boys like you.

You even said it just now: I’m a loner, and I lack so much experience in love, maybe even life. What else?

I’m not even in the best shape compared to many girls in the college, and I don’t come from a wealthy family like you. What else?

I’m a drunkard, and I turn awful when I’m drunk. I don’t know my boundaries when I’m concerned about someone, and I just end up unsettling them by asking ‘what happened?’ too much, without knowing I’m actually meddling with their private issues. What else?

I’m not even emotionally strong to cope with breakups, and I’m very gullible, because I believe whatever stories people make up to justify their actions that hurt me so much, but I can’t fight for myself and end up being at the losing end. You know why? Because it boils down to one thing:

I’m just a fucking moron.

What else, Lenon? You said you know me very well, don’t you? What is it that I can offer to people, or whoever the fuck out there who wants to date with someone awful like me, huh? What have you to say, Lenon?”

The evening turned silent. I looked at Lenon with a sinister face. He didn’t dare to look back at me.

“No matter how you look at it, it’s not just your fault, Lenon. It’s also my fault. I was too bothered with my own business, my college work... I'm just too full of myself. You keep spoiling me like a child with all you have, and you get nothing in return. Won't you be sick and tired of me? I don't know about you, but if I were you, even I find that taxing and ridiculous.

...At least, you were right about one thing. My time with you definitely was an experience I will never forget. Because I learnt one thing: that I shouldn't fall for boys just for their money. Eventually, I will lose against those girls who always give their best to woo you. I can't tell for sure whether they're in it for the money, and I don't want to be rude saying that, either. But even then, it will still be a competition that I can't help but feel pressurised in. 

I should just be content with the reality that I deserve lesser. That's what I learnt.

It's not as simple as ABC for me, Lenon. You should think about this, too, the things that have went through my mind."

Silence ensued. I think I rattled for too long. I shouldn't drag this further.

"You tried, Lenon. But the writing's on the wall. You're just spreading salt on my wound. I'm sorry.”

Lenon found it hard to reply me back. But he finally left and said, “You’re a strong girl, that’s all I have to say. Don’t let anyone make you think otherwise, just like what I did.”

I looked at his back as he walked further into the house. The girls peeked from behind the glass door, and I looked back at them. I tried to smile, but suddenly I can’t control my tears, and I muffled my cry inside my hands.

They came running and hugged me. “We got you, girl. Don’t think of him anymore, alright?”

I just want today to end... 

[to be continued]