...AND HE JUST SAT THERE.

This fan-fiction is based on a specific request. Character names are deliberately made familiar, but plot may not follow factual events.

Phil had always been among the boys in the back row. Ever since he began his primary school years, he had never had the guts to sit in front of the class. For him, sitting at the back allowed him to see everyone in the class - or so he would say, if someone asked why. Truth be told, he also had a diary he would occasionally write on in class, and back seats spared him from being the boys' laughing stock just because of his 'girly' diary routine.

Anyways, his diary entries were weird in one way or another. He would always note down even the most trivial occurrences of the day: Joe soundlessly ‘opens a bag of chips’ as an unaware teacher continues explaining to the class; Jim would surreptitiously ‘whip out his phone from his pocket’, his most loyal online cheat sheet. Jim would have the perfect score for the test then, if he had not been caught by the infamous eagle-eyed Ms. Burr. 

Yet, there's something even weirder. Phil’s diary recorded the truth of almost every silenced mischief that was festering in the classroom; all truth, save for one person.

Dan.

For many, he was a clean, see-through glass. Teachers always applauded him for his excellent conduct. But Phil knew that there was an undiscovered mystery within him, lurking in the darkness of his ingratiating silence and forged attentiveness.

And so he tried to prove himself. Before he knew it, he was already eyeing on every inch and nitty-gritty of his movement, tailing him everywhere he went around the school. Days turned to weeks that blooms to months and years, and unbeknownst to Phil, he was already drawn to Dan physically and emotionally. What he had planted as curiosity had sprouted as something else attractive.

But for now, Phil would still give mundane remarks about Dan, which he wrote at every end of his entry:

‘…and Dan just sat there.’

***

The bell rang. Students flooded out from the school gates, shouting merrily in anticipation of summer vacations. Some people weren't as excited to leave so quickly. Aside from Jim, who was going to the teachers’ office to claim his phone, Phil remained in his class with nobody else but Dan.

Dan was finishing his homework. Phil, on the other hand, concentrated on writing another entry.

“I thought I’m the only one staying back to finish work."

“What?” Phil looked up. Dan was sitting in front of Phil's desk, doing his homework.

Phil looked down again. “Oh, um, well, yeah. I mean, who wants to do work during holidays, right?”

Both were too engrossed in their own things. The conversation did not go any further.

Phil decided to stop writing and close his diary. He took a break and started absorbing the silent atmosphere.

His eyes roamed around the peripheral. Suddenly his gaze was locked at Dan. There he was, unfazed by his surroundings, the bright sunshine flashed upon him, highlighting every inch of his face. A gentle breeze drifted across his face, animating his brown fringe. And even the nitty-gritty observation on him amused Phil too: the way his eyes swam across the pages – the way he bit his pencil whilst thinking – the way he dressed himself with his uniform tucked out – the way he sits; everything was captivating about him. He didn't hear Dan calling his name just now, but he noticed his tone, ever so soothing like an angel, gentle with compassion and care, bending Phil’s sanity as his words nestled in Phil’s ears like a slap in the face.

“Dude, are you okay? You look sick.”

Sick? Oh boy, was Dan so unaware. He didn't even know what was going on in Phil's eyes, and the imaginations that were dancing in his head. 

For once Phil could see very closely the mysterious figure that had always bewildered him, the character that lent himself to the most cameo in his diary, yet the least depth of essence. He wanted to go deeper inside him, resolve the enigma that assumed his charm, and for the first time create a new definition of ‘Dan’ in his book. And he did, in a moment so brusque yet enthralling, a moment when the world stopped spinning in awe of a budding romance, as their lips touched and parted. It was magical.

Suddenly, a piercing scream rent the silence asunder. Anxiety painted the face of both Dan and Phil. “You two are in big trouble!" It was Ms. Burr. "I will bring this incident to The Headmaster’s attention.” 

Ms. Burr dragged the two boys across the hall. Everyone else around the hall turned their attention to see what the commotion is all about. Phil looked around, and it felt as if people are shooting daggers from their eyes. How much did Ms. Burr see? Was there anyone else who saw that? How could this happen? No one knew for sure what just happened, and what will happen next.

The three bombarded the Headmaster’s office, who was caughy by surprise. Upon being asked what the matter was, Ms. Burr immediately went to great lengths describing what she just witnessed. She saw almost everything. 

The Headmaster’s expression turned immediately to great disgust. “Is that true, boys?” The Headmaster queried.

Both nodded.

The Headmaster stood up aggressively, and moaned irritably. "This is outrageous! What an unacceptable behaviour!" He harangued as he reached for something within the depths of his shelf. "I have never witnessed such a crooked, immoral action like this one. I thought I would get away being a Headmaster without using this, but I feel you two boys are really in great need for this." 

What came out was a belt. Dan and Phil gasped in fear. The Headmaster shifted his eyes back and forth between the two for a long time, before he eventually asked, "Who started it?”

For a while, none responded. Phil did not raise his hands, as he was disgusted by his own action, and neither did he wish to be belted. But Dan wanted to be in this room no more, not in this situation with Phil. Dan hesitantly pointed at Phil, “He approached me first, Mr. Headmaster.”

Without delay, The Headmaster pulled Phil away from his seat, and dragged him to a glassed room. Ms. Burr and Dan could only imagine what would happen to Phil. Phil trembled before the awesome punishment that would befall him. The Headmaster commented, “As an institution, the school disciplines you as permitted by your parents.” He lifted the belt that lay on a table in the room. “But as much as I hate doing this to you, I hate even more those who are crooked like you.” His anger brewed beyond the limit a devil would have.

“You nauseate me.”

The whip echoed. Phil screamed in agony. He wanted to take a deep breath, but another whip landed on his back before he could. Phil immediately fell to his knees, unable to contain the deluge of pain and regret.

Phil broke down to tears. Every inch of his body ached as if he was swimming on a pool of sharp needles. The Headmaster paused, and Phil took this little chance to look at Dan. He was motionless on his armchair, looking at Phil remorsefully.

Phil felt as if he wanted to kill himself. He might as well die in the hands of The Headmaster. The regret, the pain, the humiliation, all dangling at his heart, would then vanish. He would get out from this school, not remembering this suffering. Everything would turn to normal, as if he just woke up from a nightmare–

But no, the painful marks on his backs were too ostensible even for the dead to ignore. He must accept the fact that he would begin living through this nightmare starting now until forever. That face when Dan saw Phil being belted... it would keep Phil away from getting closer to Dan and hurt his pride. Or his own.

Imagine how Phil would have to walk home with bruises on his back, how his mother would respond, or how he would even go on with this embarrassment throughout his life. He just wanted to lock himself in his room, huddle on his bed and cry.

For the last time, he manifested in his diary the hurtful events of this day, the day Dan looked down on him in disdain, as he sorely penned down his ending line for today’s entry:

‘…and Dan just sat there.’

He looked at the phrase, and closed the book. He opened it again, looked at the phrase, and cried again. He threw the diary in a box, and put it in the attic as long as his memory can forget.

***

Years had passed, and a series of event had Phil growing apart from Dan. Phil had moved out from the city to go to his dream university, and he had never heard from Dan ever since. Out there, his memories of Dan withered with the passage of time. Nonetheless, the bruises on his back stayed still as a painful reminder. But he chose to live with it, and moved on.

What mattered to him now was a new, upcoming academic life, and a chance to start afresh in friendship. Stepping in to his dormitory, he breathed in the new air, relishing himself in a different atmosphere of friendliness. He anticipated a virtuous foresight of his future, and dreamt of his success post-graduation – and it was a step away from him; there lay, in front of him, the door to his room. He grabbed the handle with bated breath, and barged in, only to be greeted first by his new roommate.

“Hi. I’m Dan Howell. You are—” 

Phil froze. This can't be happening.

“Oh—Hi, Dan.” Phil muttered.

“Phil? Oh my God, we haven’t seen each other for years! Good to see you back, Phil.”

“Glad to see you too...”

“I can’t believe we’re roommates! This means we can get even closer with each other.”

"Hmm.."

Dan sat on his bed and dragged the conversation. He continued with what major he was taking, what job he was wanting to have, and even asked Phil about his disappearance, inquiring whether Phil had missed him or not. None of this elicited any response from Phil. But Dan seemed pretty appreciative of his company. Indeed, he remained an enigma as he was before in his primary years.

“So I’m planning to go out with some of my friends tonight. Would you like to come join?”

“Nah, I’m fine, thanks,”

“It’d be great if you come. We’re going for a buffet.”

“I said I’m good.”

Dan stood silent for a while. Something about Phil's tone told him he wanted to be left alone. 

“Okay then, no problem.” He waved as Phil saw him walking out of the room, “It was nice talking with you.”

Phil sighed in relief.

For a moment, he hated destiny. He couldn't believe all this is happening again. And all this while he thought he was already getting over him, will just go to waste. Now he had to endure another set of years coping with him. The memories came flooding back. He tried to chase all the horrid images of that day away from his imagination. 

Just as he was unpacking his books, he found something that he never expected would appear in his life again: his diary. Phil tensed. This book wasn't supposed to be here.

He put the sacred book behind all his science books on the shelf, where no one would know of its existence there, and, hopefully, so would Phil.

***

Phil entered the auditorium. His lecture was about to begin, and he thought he would come late, but luckily he showed up before the lecturer did. Losing his breath after a long sprint, he composed himself.

As he was looking around, he noticed a huge vacancy at the first few rows. He could have sat there, but Phil was never meant to belong there, just like his primary school years. He instead chose to lurk in the strangest of faces way at the back.

As he settled himself in his new seat, a beautiful woman entered the auditorium. Her face was as bright as the summer sunshine, and her eyes gleamed like the most beautiful nightly orbs. Her hair swayed, and fondled every man’s attention. She sat in the front row. Everyone was talking about her.

Soon, the whole theatre was filled. Almost all seats were occupied, but surprisingly, there was an empty seat next to the pretty lady.

The door banged open as a lecturer dashed through and put his laptop on the lectern. Tailing the lecturer was Dan, rushing inside to find a nearby seat. He settled himself beside the lady, as the whole room whirred.

“Is she going out with him?” someone murmured in disbelief. “That man had such luck!"

Phil was quiet, but inside him an emotion was boiling. These people would never stop talking about Dan and the woman who just happened to sit next to him.

“Damn, that chick is hot,” said another at the back.

The lecture started, but Phil hadn't opened his books. Feelings intermingled within Phil as he saw the lady beside him. Parts of him was bent with jealousy, and Phil knew not why.

He looked at them again. They started communicating. The girl giggled at Dan. They shook hands and exchanged greetings. Stop it, Phil said to himself. They then whispered to each other, and seemed to enjoy each other's company. 

The girl twirled her hair, and looked sweetly at Dan. Then she bit her lips, and closed her gap with Dan. 

Phil was enraged. He could not control his feelings anymore. His breath quickened.

Confusion, resentment, repugnance, all screaming in dissonance within him. All this time he was trying so hard to keep Dan away from his life, and thought he would never be any more troubled with this.

Did he still have emotion for Dan?

His mind began travelling down the memory lane. Phil recalled Ms. Burr’s screeching scream, he recalled the Headmaster’s fury, he recalled the injury, and the blistering soreness that was now still very distinct through the friction of his shirt, and he saw that kiss in the classroom, and Dan’s face that ran the whole gamut of disgust and repulsion. He hated himself more than ever now.

Enough.

The bell rang everybody to go home. Phil rushed to the dormitory. He cried like during his childhood, engulfing himself in total self-hatred. No, no, no, he screamed and locked himself up in his room, covering his face under his pillow.

He looked at the shelf, and saw his diary through the gaps of his science books. He reached out to it, grabbed a pen, and opened it. The pages were worn out by time, but Phil thrust his words onto the paper.

Diary,

Can I ask you something?

His eyes were soaked with tears, and he sobbed. His breathing became arrhythmic.

If he really hated me so much in the past,

is there a reason why my heart still beats for him now?

The door handle spun. Somebody was on the other side of the door.

He was just sitting next to a pretty girl.

And she was nothing more than a stranger... was she?

A voice came from the other side of the door, “Phil, are you in there?”

What is this feeling, Diary?

Why am I nothing but a slave to a love that will never come true?

“Phil, this is Dan. Could you unlock the door, please?”

I haven't even had a proper conversation with him,

ever since we met for the first time in this college.

“Phil, for God’s sake, open the damn door!”

Heh, could you imagine me and him sitting together in the canteen?

 I bet it would look awkward when people see me talking to myself...

Phil wiped his eyes, and ended his entry:

…and Dan just sat there.

He looked at his entry, and the entire page was blue blotches of tears. He could barely read it, but at least he managed to let his heart out. Anyways, no one else would read it, he thought.

“Phil, can you stop playing games with me and open—”

The door swung open. “Yeah, sorry I just came out from the loo.”

“Good god, I was starting to think nobody was actually inside!” Dan dropped a huge pile of books on his bed.

“Sorry, shouldn’t have locked the door. My fault.” Phil muttered. He stood there, as he looked at Dan stacking his book back onto his shelf. He held the door open.

“By the way, have you heard about the pretty girl everybody was talking about in the college?”

Phil heard about it. He even saw it. With envy.

“Apparently, I sat next to her, and people were talking to me as if I was her—”

“What, her boyfriend?”

Dan was caught by surprise. “Wait, you were there?”

Of course, duh.

“Are you jealous or something?”

Phil hadn't even opened his mouth all this while.

“Well, it's not like I have any feelings towards her, so I figured if you’re into her... I'll stay away from her, if that's what you want.” Dan snickered.

If the Oscars had an award for the best eye roll, Phil could win that easily like about now.

Dan sensed something wrong. “Hey, Phil, is everything fine?”

“Huh?” Phil's lips parted.

Think of it yourself, Dan. Think of how long I had been spying on him talking to the girl from the back of the auditorium, Phil screamed internally. If only Phil did not choose to sit at the back, and chose to sit at the front instead, he would have not seen them. If only he could forget everything he saw today. If only...

Phil went out of the room. Dan asked, “Are you going somewhere?”

“The rooftop.”

“What for?”

“Is it any of your business?” The door closed.

Dan looked at him strangely, and continued stacking his books on his shelf. What’s his deal anyway, he asked himself. He did nothing wrong; he had just arrived from college. Even if talking could upset him, there was nothing offensive in Dan’s words – or so he thought. Whatever Phil was feeling, he hoped Phil was okay.

He noticed an old-looking book on Phil’s table. He tried to put the book away for him, but suddenly pages were falling out from it. He grabbed them from the floor, and opened the book to slip in the falling pages according to their pages so Phil would not notice it had been spoiled.

Upon flipping several pages, Dan suddenly realised this is a diary. He couldn't help but read what was written on the diary. Everything was written as if by a child. He read stories of Phil’s childhood, his family, his school, and mostly his witnessing accounts in class; to all of which Dan giggled. 

He noticed most of the writings are similar and faded, but there was a page that seemed freshly written. Dan flipped to that page. It was hard to read with the blue ink blotches covering the writings, but Dan’s eyes skimmed through the page. 

He could not believe what he just read.

Dan went to the rooftop with the diary on his hand, seeking an explanation.

***

Phil was on the rooftop of the college building. The view was wide open without partition, and he felt as if he could just fly and let go of himself. He stared at the sky as it was darkening. The wind gained speed. Nobody else was there, and it was exactly what Phil needed: a moment of complete solitude, where he would be locked away only with his own thoughts, meandering back and forth between confusion and regret.

He tried to wrap his mind around all that happened on that day, when suddenly the roof door banged open.

“Phil, what are you doing here?” Dan emerged, his breath racing.

Phil juddered. “I said it’s none of your business!”

“But it’s beginning to rain–”

“Why are you here? Leave me alone!”

Phil saw his diary in Dan’s hands.

“Wh--where did you get that from?”

“It was lying on your table. Sorry, but I kind of read everything in it...”

“No… no way!”

“So maybe you want to talk about something.”

“I don’t want to talk about anything!”

“But Phil—”

“Leave me be!” The scream echoed with anger throughout the air. Everywhere went silent.

“Phil, you can talk about this slowly.”

Phil wrapped his arms around himself. “Just, go away. It’s better for the both of us if you’re not near me.”

“You don’t need to lock yourself away like this.”

Phil's mouth trembled. He tried his beast to speak from the bottom of his heart, “Don’t you still hate me, since that time I first kiss you?” 

A pause ensued as memories flashed. 

“Can’t you recall that time with the Headmaster? I looked at you through that glass. I saw your eyes, your hatred! You just sat there, and saw me being punished for something I shouldn't have done. Can't you imagine how painful it is for me? I tried so hard to stop thinking about you.” 

Tears flowed down Phil’s eyes, “But when everything seems good, you were always there in my mind… and my day just starts to crumble. Isn’t it better this way, for the both of us? Isn't it better if I just stayed away from you?”

“But you don’t have to do this to yourself. You’re only hurting yourself. And I don’t want you to hurt yourself because of me!”

“What?”

“Phil, have you even considered other people’s feelings?” Dan approached Phil who were kneeling. His body shivered. “I didn’t hate you. Instead, I loved you.” Dan lowered his voice, “Before we became roommates, before we kissed, even before you liked me… I liked you first.”

“But-- but how do you…” Phil’s words twirled off, he was thinking too much about himself, and never recognised Dan’s feelings toward him.

“No, you always denied people’s feelings. You won’t even know how I feel, no. Even if I confessed, you would’ve denied it.” He motioned at the diary. “It’s because of this thing. You’re too focused on your own feelings, and what you see, and interpret it in your own way. But you never for once asked how the people you wrote about feel – or how I feel, for that matter.”

Dan continued, “With this book, you always live with the horror of your past. I guess it has been keeping you away from me for too long.” Dan threw the book away with all his strength.

“Wait, no!” Phil leapt off from the heights, and reached out to his diary. 

Now his body was in mid-air.

“Phil, don’t!” Dan tried to bring Phil back to the roof, but he was pulled along by Phil. The gravity pulled them both towards the ground, and the two men accelerated downwards. Dan turned Phil’s back away from the ground. He did not want Phil to suffer more with the bruises smashing onto the ground. Dan protected Phil, and embraced him. He broke Phil’s fall, as he said his final words:

“I’ve loved you.”

The ground thudded.

***

Diary,

Sorry I’ve not written for ages. I was thinking of putting you away in a place I would forget. Maybe you were meant to be a part of my life. But this time, I choose to leave the old Phil behind, for my own good.

Whenever future Phil decides to revisit these memories again, maybe he would need this memory the most:

Remember that Dan tried to break your fall.

Dan was brought to the hospital. I asked the doctor whether I could go check on him.

He was sitting on his back. The doctor said it would prevent him from losing any more blood.

He said he would wake up pretty soon if he could make it... but I doubt so.

I had been waiting by his side for too long, wanting to speak to him after a very long time...

…and Dan just sat there.